Shawn Underwood | Author | List of Humorous Stories

"Rebuttal of Nurse Ratchitt Returns" By luck, divineintervention and powerful antibiotics, I have survived Nurse Ratchitt's care. Her intentions were good, but there were a few moments of crisis.

"Nurse Ratchitt Returns" Woke at 5 a.m. to take husband to hospital for surgery. Arrive 2 hours early as requested only to find we have to sit around and wait for various nurses and doctors. Endeavor to entertain husband with; "I spy with my Little Eye".

"Nurse Ratchitt" When I was a junior in high school, for reasons unknown to me now called "middle school", I recall taking a test which indicated my most likely future career choices.

"Rebuttal of Baby's Day Out" I just returned from an out of town business trip (without Shawn) to find her re-cap of events last Thursday in my inbox. I must say, Shawn's version of the facts outlined below portrays her in a favorable light, compared to the darkness of reality.

"Baby's Day Out" I put on my best "spill proof" outfit and head downtown with Craig. We arrive early; I will be able to check out the food selection.


		The Neighborhood is Going to the Dogs I like dogs, all kinds of dogs, except "biters" and those with saliva on their molars. Frozen Turkey Vacations In Hawaii What is it about the seventy-plus generation and packing for a trip? How many suitcases full of bathing suits and light summer wear does one need for a month. "Coffee-less in Seattle" The month of May is over and we remain sunless in Seattle..... "Yummie For Your Tummie" While conducting "research" in Burien, I discovered a new boutique... "Fish Convene at Appliance Store" Walking on Three Tree Point, I ran into a group of seal-clad divers who were quite talkative due to the high from the surplus of oxygen they inhale while diving.... "The Upgraded Cartastrophe" My husband reverts to the carefree days of high school when we have to rent a car... "And the Award Goes to..." Every year I look forward to watching the Academy Awards ceremony with great anticipation. This year I decided to throw an "Academy Awards" soiree. "What REALLY Happens in the Locker Room" You might remember me talking about idiot gym attendees who "lose" their lockers. Unfortunately, this happened to me... "The Gym" We sit down in his office and begin to discuss goals. Goals, what goals? I just want to get fit again, muffin tops are fine if you hang out in the Costco bakery section but the excess poundage is certainly not a good look hanging over the top of ones pants. "BooHoo, It's Off to College For You" Austin, my oldest son is going to college. Most of the time I am so happy for him, but where does this leave me? He was an extra appendage on my leg until the age of eight, not that I minded dragging his little body around. To this day, he stoutly denies ever holding fast to my pant leg. "How I Spent My Summer" At the swim meet tonight, several parents are unbelievably ill behaved. One parent in particular comes to mind...she LOOKS like your average parent. "The Weather Started Getting Rough, The Tiny Craft Was Tossed..." After several days of dicey weather we decided to take out the newly christened, "Loligager". The kids were beside themselves with joy. "My Data Bank is Full" So, now I am fifty and three quarters. I guess that would be 600 months in baby speak. Half a century is not a bad place to be but... "The Point of No Returns" We don't have an overabundance of sunny days in Seattle, so when the sun does appear, I begin to think of my sun deprived garden. "Kan I or Kan I Not Rent a Movie?" There is a neighborhood handy mart at the top of the hill, which I liked to call the store, "Fresh Ice". "At Least I Don't Wear 'Mom Jeans" My sons are forever reminding me that I am not cool and my car even less so, but I am sure they will want to borrow the pumpkin any day now. "Polygons and Heptagons....Oh My" Being the "special guest" at my nephew's "special person" day can lead to some dire consequences when we attend his math class. "Twelve Volunteer Hours Accomplished" The noise level in the bus designed for children, not normal size adults, was simply deafening. "Let's Invite the Entire Class" I incorrectly assumed that parents would be traveling with their little darlings to take advantage of the three day weekend. Large mistake on my part. Allowed Lexi to invite boys....another large mistake on my part. Hired my son, Conner and his friend Joe to help with the party....final large mistake. "Volunteer/ Slave Labor Hours" Don't get me wrong, I like volunteering at my various children's schools, but there comes a time when even I begin to question this use of time. "Mom Versus Computer" I approach the computer with trepidation, yes it appears innocuous as there is food spillage on the keypads, making it a rather friendly looking piece of hardware. "Driver Versus Snow Wall" It started with a suggestion on our family ski vacation....perhaps the boys would like to go out and practice driving in the snow, after all it was a useful skill one would need as an adult. "Teenagers and Driving III, Speedy Gonzales Strikes Again" Once again I am just astounded to find that I am writing about my oldest son, Speedy Gonzales. I realize that it is perhaps unchristian of me, but I am starting to get really exasperated by his current lack of driving skills. It seems it is taking him an inordinately long time to acquire some finesse. "Teenagers and Driving II" It takes a village....we also deal with the friends of our teenage drivers. The Saga continues.... teenagers and driving. "Teenagers and Driving" I am now on my second teenager and second set of teeth having gnawed the first set down to stubs with my first son speed Gonzales. "My Mother Says I am Funny" My friend Dorkus and I just returned from a local writer's conference where I felt alternately brilliant and stupid during the entire three days.

		Frozen Turkey Vacations In Hawaii What is it about the seventy-plus generation and packing for a trip? How many suitcases full of bathing suits and light summer wear does one need for a month. "Trident Is Not Just a Gum" I began getting nervous the night before the dive when the monster waves woke me up from a peaceful slumber. I said a quick prayer to, Poseidon, the mythological God of the Sea and hoped things would be calm in the morning. "Holding an Edge" Recently we attended a fundraising auction where Craig, being the generous person that he is, bought a ski trip to Yellowstone ski resort in Wyoming. "Good Coffee Hunting in the Great White North, Part II" At the end of the day, David drives the girls over to the mother ship as their high-pitched squeals are driving us mad. David pulls the tender up to the boat and Kylie promptly steps off the tender and into the harbor. "Good Coffee Hunting in the Great White North, Part I" This week, Lexi and I head for Sitka, Alaska to enjoy the great outdoors from the comfort of Aunt Shannon and Uncle David's cabin cruiser. I understand why they invited me, a witty and knowledgeable deck hand, but to add one more child to their menagerie of children is beyond me "The Hike From Hell, Part II" In our haste to get out of the woods we are separated, Craig is barn sour and looking forward to the bakery at the end of the trail. I am lagging behind and wishing for a horse ride "The Hike From Hell, Part I" Steheiken, Washington is at the end of Lake Chelan which is fifty-five miles long, it is a very remote area, there are bears and ratttlesnakes, no toilets or showers and no phone. "I am Wearing a Gilligan’s Island Hat in the Next Victoria Secret Issue - Part 2" Shawn continues her comments on watching a Victoria's Secret photo shoot at Club Med. "I am Wearing a Gilligan’s Island Hat in the Next Victoria Secret Issue" Shawn comments on watching a Victoria's Secret photo shoot at Club Med. "Bucerias, II" Today we take the bus to Sayulita, which is on the Pacific coast of Nayarit. Supposedly the bus takes thirty minutes. Ethel says the bus route seems to be rather haphazard today, but self only concerned with cars careening toward us at a very rapid rate. "Bucerias....the Hemet of Mexico" Remembering the last time I ate from a Mexican sidewalk café, I grow rather anxious.....I recall some intestinal distress which left me weak for days. "Grenadines and More Part Three" It is New Year’s Eve, and all the island and staff are anticipating some fabulous festivities. Craig and I are very excited; perhaps we will finally make some friends. We have found that the other island guests are very nclusive. The kids express concern. "Grenadines and More Part Two" The saga continues with the Grenadines adventure, our five star hotel turned out to be a three star hotel. We are in a villa on the appropriately named, Windy Hill. "Grenadines and More Part One" Our resort island has no television, no phone and very limited internet access. Kids are going crazy after 2 days. Let spouse know we must up the ante but he says they have the entire ocean to play in with dilapidated water toys. "A Spirit is in the House" A psychic is here at "freako camp" as my husband, Craig has named my new found spa. I attended one of many classes offered at F.C. aptly named Psychic Tools. "An Inability to Sit Still" Okay, my first spa treatment is accomplished....barely. Who knew that visiting a deluxe spa could be so stressful? "Oh to be Zen Again" Having survived my spa treatments, restorative yoga and the quiet room, I have moved on to yet another invigorating activity. Zen Boot camp. "A Family Christmas in Cozumel, Mexico" We arrive in Cancun without incident; remainder of journey not pleasant. We next take a ferry, with our six hundred bags laden with scuba gear. "My New Best Friend Forever" I never dreamed that I would be a guest in the audience of the famous talk show host, Oprah.