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Nurse Ratchitt
When I was in junior high
school, for reasons unknown to me now called 'middle school', I recall taking a
test which indicated my most likely future career choices. The questions I
answered seemed to point me in the direction of custodial engineer or health
care. In college I did not major in nursing as there were some ridiculous
requirements such as chemistry, biology and anatomy. Fortunately, I was able to
perform some extended nursing duties this weekend and accomplish my fondest
dream of becoming "Nurse Ratchitt, on Call Duty Nurse". I read a lot of books
about Cherry Ames' nursing adventures when I was young so I was prepared.
My sister calls me early Friday morning, she sounds very feeble and in pain. Am
immediately alarmed as sister is very stoic and a not a crybaby. Meet her at the
endodontist office and find her looking and apparently feeling like a cadaver.
She discusses her problems with the endodontist and he calmly assures her that
things will improve eventually, as soon as the infection clears. He also
suggests that perhaps he should see her early the next morning in case things do
not go smoothly and he has to pull her wretched tooth out of her head. I
immediately jump into the discussion as the endodontist does not seem to be
aware that his "wait and see approach" is not working for my poor sister. Sister
begins to look a bit more hopeful. Decide that I will be her advocate and shout
at the dentist for good measure, perhaps this will make her feel better. I know
I already feel better. We depart for the pharmacy with a fist full of
prescriptions. If none of these work we bring along the Tiens machine, which
simulates electrocuting the part of ones body that it is attached to. Have not
figured out the medical use for this machine unless one wants to foul themselves
immediately.
Carefully drive sister home taking care to stock up on such necessary items as;
The National Enquirer, The Star, coffee drink and of course prescriptions.
Secure my patient in her bed in the family room and begin to dole out meds.
Record what I have done as my memory seems to have been less than perfect
lately. Pain meds do not seem to be having an effect. Decide to hook up patient
to Tiens machine. Attach stickies to her face with wires hooked on to stickies,
slowly turn up machine. Nothing happens. Find that we are out of batteries.
Replace batteries and continue
experimenting with machine. My patient begins to grimace and throw her head back
looking very "Exorcist like". I immediately burst into hysteria, shaming myself
as Nurse Ratchitt. Patient not pleased but does see the humor in the situation.
The machine works for awhile but the pain returns and the smell of burning flesh
was starting to bother Nurse Ratchitt. We decide to take a walk through the
neighborhood and visit all of our old haunts and gossip about the neighbors.
Return to find my brother-in-law dithering about dinner. Take control and kick
ditherer out of kitchen, tell
kids that we will be having breakfast dinner. This is always a hit with my kids.
Feed patient leftover lasagna which my assistant caretaker and I salivate over,
as there is only enough for one. Watch movie and put toothless to bed.
Toothless rouses herself to go to church the following morning and speak as the
lectern. Amazing. Wait patiently at home for my mocha and newspaper to be
delivered by my patient, a temporary role reversal. This nursing business isn't
all that bad. Boss kids around some more until brother-in-law loses his patience
with me. Feel perhaps he is right in his sternness. Where does one draw the line
between older more knowledgeable sister and being "On Duty Nurse Ratchitt"? I
don't know, but I obviously crossed the line. Toothless appears to be on the
mend after three days and I return home to prepare for my next nursing
assignment.
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