Let's Invite the Entire Class

Yesterday was Lexi’s ninth birthday. I felt compelled to throw  a large shindig for her, as she was absent from all of her friends last year when we lived abroad.  I invited no less than sixteen children thinking about half would attend as today is teacher in service day. I had incorrectly assumed that parents would be traveling with their little darlings to take advantage of the three-day weekend. Large mistake on my part.  I allowed Lexi to invite boys...another large mistake on my part. Finally, I hired my son, Conner and his friend Joe to help with party...last very large mistake.

The parents dropped their children off promptly and raced away as fast as possible. The new arrivals did not seem to be overly excited about our first project...we made applesauce.  I myself was enamored with my new apple peeler and could see no reason why the children did not enjoy this primitive activity. All the children stared at me incredulously, making me question my own sanity.  Some children outright refused the delights of the apple peeler. I sent these wayward soles outside for a rousing game of twister with Conner and Joe. I finished up with apple peeler and found the kids playing twister had mutinied and were demanding a game of "hide the rag" or "capture the flag", I don’t recall. I was still smarting over the curt dismissal of most of the children from the applesauce caper.

I put Conner and Joe in charge of "capture the rag". Conner suddenly became shy and could not recall directions to game. I shouted for Joe to take charge at which point he calmly gave instructions to the savages.  As things now seemed to be in control, Cousin Kim and I retired to porch where she read a magazine and I read the paper.   Exactly one hour later, all of the savages claimed they were ravenous for dinner.  In order to quiet them down, I fed them a half-cooked pizza. Kim turned the oven on high, which of course burned the remainder of the pizza.  We served burnt/raw pizza and fruit salad and completely forgot about the applesauce on the stove, this was Cousin Kim’s responsibility.  Came back to kitchen and found the pot on fire and the applesauce beyond repair.  Cousin Kim suggested that perhaps it was time for "mothers little helper". This has always been a fail-safe remedy for mothers in distress; I must admit that it did involve some imbibing of alcohol.

Time for the piñata, the kids were very excited and we discovered that the plastic bat did not do nearly enough damage to the piñata. We tried the wooden bat with a bit more success and determined to use the titanium bat as a last resort. One of the boys took a mighty swing and managed to put a small hole in the piñata.  The savages descended upon the piñata like mad dogs. One child beats another on the back with the bat in order to secure a closer spot to the candy, which had scattered on the ground.  Cousin Kim descended on him like some kind of harpy and he sulked away but not before offering us some of his take. I assumed this was his way of apologizing for his obnoxious behavior.

After the piñata disaster, Kim and I gently told the children to head up to the carriage house for cake and ice cream. The children enthusiastically wolf down cake and demand drinks. We seriously considered spiking their drinks with "mothers little helper".  Cousin Kim instructed one of the savages to pass out the napkins.  He replied, "No, you do it".  Kim responded in kind and took another sip of "mothers little helper", thoughtfully disguised as a Pepsi.  Things had deteriorated; the savages are now full of sugar and crazy for another rousing game of "hide the rag".  We are counting down the hours and minutes.  The kids continued to wreak havoc while running around the yard and through my freshly planted flowerbeds while screaming at the top of their lungs.  Only one child injured her knee, I felt these were good odds considering the number of kids on the property.

The refreshed parents took charge of their kids promptly at 6:30. All of the savages dutifully thanked us in front of their mothers.  As Lexi and I saw each little darling off, I made a mental "naughty and nice" guest list in my head, half qualified as naughty. Lexi later lamented that she really did not have a very good time, as there were too many kids. I consoled myself with the thought that I had good intentions. Unfortunately I was unable to comfort myself with; "mothers little helper" as Cousin Kim had dispensed with the remainder of the bottle.

Shawn Underwood, a native Washingtonian, writes humorous anecdotes for newspapers and magazines.   If you are a member of the media or would like to use a story, please email Shawn.

View a list of all Shawn's stories online.