We made a joint New Years Resolution this year. No we aren’t going to go on a diet—there is no imagination to that sort of resolution. Everyone knows that in order to lose weight, one must exercise more and eat less, and quite frankly I don’t want to do that just now. Swimsuit season is months away and my pants aren’t snug enough for drastic measures. Our resolution this year—clean the basement. I mean really clean the basement.

Things came to a head or should I say, the s-%&-t really became noticeable when the I walked down our steep, wobbly stairs the other day. Not only were half empty boxes, skis, carpet remnants, ancient paint cans, bouncy seats, and of course dirty laundry taking up most of the walking space but the basement smelled like crap  too. Turns out the floor drain was oozing the stuff—a bubbling brew of the worst kind of stew.

I’ve seen this sort of thing before, in fact I would call myself a crap expert. I’ve been removing it since the kids were little. “Pour a little bleach down the drain, that should take care of it.” I said to Tom in a helpful manner.

“Go get me a plunger, RUN, this stuff is coming out fast.” Said Tom.

“Alright, already, I’m on it.” I said.

Now we have three kinds of manure flying—the foul words pouring forth from Tom, our unfinished—not started clearing of basement clutter and of course the crap flowing out of the drain. Since Tom declined any further helpful advice from me, I sought some solitude in the yard. At least the plants don’t talk back to me.

As I chopped away at the old growth in the yard, I began to think about what I could possibly throw away, or actually what I could keep.

1. Ancient Barbie, Skipper, Midge, and Ken and of course red carrying case. They all still have their hair, although Ken’s is of the plastic variety. Most of them still own their outfits, although a few are missing shoes. Yes, they are collectors items—a definite keeper.

Barbie and her friend Midge made the cut.

2. Photo albums dating back to Fifth grade. Perhaps not collectors items but good for laughs once in a while.

3. Disco dresses—you never know when you’ll be invited to a 70’s disco party.

My New Years resolution project is going to be easy. Just throw away all things that don’t pertain to me and the basement will be . . .

STILL FULL.

Having come to this conclusion, I decide that, I’ll think about it tomorrow, after the sh-t is done hitting the fan, and after the Rotto Rooter guy does his job.