I’ve really tried hard to fit into the computer world—honest. I own a MacBook, and though it’s covered in suspicious funny-looking fingerprints, it still runs. I’m adept at a few keyboard shortcuts such as: Copy and Paste and the all important, Undo. However, I have to admit that I lack the basics, often times I lose the project I’m working on—no doubt those names for future grandchildren are drifting somewhere in cyberspace.

To tackle this problem, I’ve signed up for the Apple Computer One to One Program. At my age, only personal instruction—repeated many times in three or four different ways will help me improve my computer skills.

Upon entering the Apple Store, I confidently walk up to the spikey-haired teen and state my name. “Hi, I’m Shawn Underwood, I have a One to One session at twelve o’clock.” 

“Uh, what’s your name again?”

“Shawn, Shawn Underwood.”

“We have you scheduled for next Thursday Ms. Underwood.”

“Oh.”

“No, worries, the other twelve o’clock didn’t show up, we can work with you today.”

Sigh. This isn’t a good way to start my session. I usually only mess up orthodontist appointments for the kids, the ortho staff have come to expect it from me. I make a mental note to ask about a possible alarm-appointment feature on my fingerprinted computer. 

“Take a seat anywhere Ms. Underwood, a staff member will be with you in a few minutes.”

As I precariously perch on a nearby stool, I scan the table looking for a computer cord to plug into my laptop. Finding no loose cords, I unhook the cords from a nearby shiny silver laptop. The first cord releases easily, the second one—not so much. After a brief tussle with the second white cord, I finally release it from it’s hold.

Funny, but at that exact moment, loud blaring bells go off in the entire store. Really loud bells. Assuming there is a thief making off with a valuable Apple product, I look towards the door. Everyone else is looking at me.

This is not good. I’m a deer in the headlights. Apple personnel run at me from all directions. I quickly realize I have committed a serious computer offense, and although I have no idea how I’ve created such a ruckus,  I’m ready to plead guilty.

“Did you pull out this cord? Because the cord you should be using is right here.”

“Oh, of course, how silly of me.” My mouth is suddenly dry and I’m extremely hot. Not sure if its due to a hot flash or intense embarssment, either way it’s not good for me.

Now stripped of my coat and sweater and down to my tank top and jeans, I feablily suggest returning on my actual appointment date. 

The clerk’s loud stomach grumbles are answer enough for me as I hastily wave goodbye while dragging my assorted clothing behind me.

Follow the perils of cyberdork after the next appointment.